


Is this the end?

by PettyPrincess66



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Assassins, Clarke and Lexa are adorable gabies, Fluff, Memory Loss, Nightblood - Freeform, Possible Smut?, Protective Lexa, hedatu, not a slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:40:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25778293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PettyPrincess66/pseuds/PettyPrincess66
Summary: Clarke gets shot and Lexa doesn't know how to handle her spiraling emotions.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 16
Kudos: 149





	1. If only..

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I wanted to emotionally torture myself at 11pm but I was listening to "make you feel my love" the glee version and this just came to me, I cried lol with the emotion behind the story and the song, I cried and I don't even know if this will have another chapter, I guess let me know what you think? Anyway, Enjoy!

When the gun shot rang out, time froze. More accurately, Lexa froze. She’d never admit it out loud of course, Heda doesn’t **_**freeze**_** _,_ but she did. People say life changing events happen in slow motion - that when someone you love gets hurt or dies, it’s like time moves slower but that’s **_**wrong**_** \- yes, ****s**** ** _ **o fucking wrong**_** ** **,**** because Clarke was shot and things are moving too fast for Lexa to catch up. She was shot in the stomach and she is still walking, moving, searching - for what?

“Le-Lexa” Oh, for her. And Lexa wishes she could move - or speak but her mouth is open and no sound is coming out. She can’t do this again - not **_**again.**_** She has never felt grateful for any part of Costia’s death, not until now. Because at least she didn’t have to see it, to watch it, to witness it, but here she is, with Clarke. Stumbling in front of her, blood flowing down her stomach and Lexa has to swallow the bile that forces itself up her throat.

“Clarke.” Finally, she thinks. And it seems her limbs unfroze as well for she is moving forward, Catching Clarke the minute her strength seems to fail her, “I’m here...I’m here.” It’s all she can say, what else can she say? In that moment she is stuck fighting herself, holding pressure onto the wound that seems to be soaking the carpet beneath her, feeling the pressure behind her eyes but she won’t let the tears fall, no. Heda isn’t weak, Heda doesn’t cry, and just once Lexa wishes her life wasn’t forced into this perpetual understanding that she must refer to herself in the third person.

What does she do? Call a healer? Say a prayer? The thought alone twists her heart painfully, could she even do it? Could she give Clarke her blessing to leave? To leave her? Looking down at the blonde she loves, her life, her _houmon,_ she has to but she can’t. Two years of peace - of love - of **_**life**_** \- is that all they are allowed? Was that all she is allowed?

“I l-l-love y-you.” Clarke chokes out and Lexa can’t fight the sob that escapes her lips, not like this. It can’t end like this. Please, _keyron_ no. And she doesn’t realize she is speaking out loud until she feels a hand on her cheek and she is looking into the bright blue eyes she loves so much

“I-I’ll a-always…b-be with…you” Clarke chokes out, trying to smile reassuringly and shouldn’t Lexa be the one trying to comfort her? But It seems she lost the ability to speak again.

If only she could say something!

Anything!

But her throat is constricting painfully and she’s afraid of what sound she’d make if she opened her mouth, after everything they had survived. This is how it ends? An assassin with _skaikru_ tech that snuck into their bedroom.. That’s how it ends?

She vaguely hears the two guards that were positioned at her door, the guards that were supposed to guard Clarke’s life, kneeling at her feet, mumbling _Trigedasleng_ , but she can’t make out their mumbling, she doesn’t care too.

She realizes a second too late that she was shoved aside - no one shoves Heda, but she can’t be bothered to care - a second too late that there are other people in the room, and that the tears she fought are running free - but she isn’t alone.

Abby is yelling at Nyko - barking out orders, while Raven, Octavia and Kane are standing in the door way - staring at Clarke’s lifeless body. No, not lifeless, she’s breathing - barely but it’s there.

And then there is a collective silence when Clarke takes her last breathe and no one dares breath, no one dares so much as move until Abby is forcing air into her lungs and pumping her chest and Lexa has to bite back the growl that wants to escape. She wants to demand they leave her, they leave her and Clarke because she needs time but she can’t because she has a small sliver of hope - or maybe it’s larger than she cares to admit because she ****needs**** Clarke. She needs her like she needs air, How can you live when all the air is taken from your lungs?

She hears Nyko arguing with Abby, begging her to let her go. There isn’t any malice in his decision - Lexa knows he has grown to love and care for Clarke. He doesn’t want her to suffer, to hurt, to have her body be desecrated when there was no hope, but then again a silence falls as a gasp is heard and Clarke is once again breathing - small shallow breaths but it’s something..it’s something

“She’s alive -” Abby calls out, panting, her face free of emotion, and Lexa realizes she is quite good at what she does. This isn’t Abby, Clarke’s mother - no this is Doctor Griffin

“Can you save her?” Lexa almost doesn’t recognize her own voice, and she ignores the sad looks being sent her way by all except Raven who hasn’t moved from her position. Staring at Clarke as if a solution will come to her - as if she can will her brilliant mind to save her best friend, she’s never been more silent, she’s never looked more helpless.

“Im sure as hell going to try..” Abby says and her determination is so great Lexa can’t argue with her, not that she wants too. All she can do is beg the spirits not to take her wife from her. Sitting in the corner by her wardrobe, with her knees to her chest and her arms around her legs, she sits and she cries. She cries all the tears she’s never been able to expel as Heda, silently of course, and she watches.

She watches as Abby and Nyko work to save her wife, and she doesn’t realize that Raven is the only one left in the room besides herself, Nyko and Abby. She doesn’t realize that Raven sat next to her, also crying silent tears. She doesn’t realize that Raven put a comforting - or she assumes it’s meant to be comforting - hand on her shoulder, no she can’t even feel it, because she can’t feel without her heart - her heart that is laying on the floor fighting for her life.

Lexa forces herself to keep her eyes open, she won’t close them, what if she closes them and Clarke passes? No, she’ll watch the subtle rise and fall of the blondes chest, she’ll listen to every labored breathe being released, breath that takes energy Clarke doesn’t have and if it comes to it - she’ll give Clarke her blessing to move on, if only to ask her to wait for her to join her soon after.


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke dies.. and Lexa is pretty sure her heart stopped beating in her chest. She didn't stick around to watch Abby force breathe into Clarke's lungs. She didn't stick around to witness the harshness of the shock stick hitting her chest over and over again - she wasn't there when she was revived - a very long and intense two minutes later. She didn't want to leave Clarke, but it seemed like her body had a mind of it's own when it came to death, when it came to watching the horrible things that are happening inside that room. Lexa finally found her way to the bathroom in her room, and before she knew what happened she was bent over the toilet - emptying the remnants of the breakfast she had shared with her wife, if only that didn't seem like a life time ago. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Raven watched as Abby struggled to keep Clarke alive, but this was it, she was told. They had patched her up and were giving her blood and fluids - all she needed to do was wake up. Nobody knew if she could. 

Suddenly, Raven ran out of the room so fast she almost slammed right into Octavia who was pacing on the other side of the door, 

"Whoa speed racer where are you going?!" Raven studied Octavia and saw she looked tired, bags under her eyes and a perpetual frown on her face. Clarke and her may have not always gotten along, but she definitely didn't want the blonde dead. 

"I have something that'll help Clarke.." Raven whispered, she didn't want to do this but she had too. When she first found the briefcase with Becca's journal in it she knew she had to keep it far away from Clarke and Lexa. She knew immediately what they would do and she couldn't let her best friend make that decision - so she had made it for her. Now she was once again taking away Clarke's choice but she _**had too.**_ She couldn't sit by and let Clarke die! Not if there was a chance..

"Wh-What do you mean?!" Octavia demanded wide eyed, Raven wasted no time in grabbing her elbow and forcing her to follow her to her room where she kept the briefcase hidden in a loose floor board under her bed. Pulling out the Journal she simply shoved it in Octavias hands and waited on bated breath. 

_**Journal entry 1...** _

_If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen. The end of the world as we knew it, the beginning of the disaster that is the rest of the human race. We are a selfish and fickle people, aren't we? Always finding it hard to focus on things beyond our own interests - our own needs - most people don't even bother to think of others. Especially now. Dog eat Dog world sure as hell took on a whole new meaning._

_I created Allie with the intent to better humanity, to help us, to make life easier - I was selfish...Life was already easy, but of course we needed **more** , never satisfied, always demanding. I didn't realize she would see our flaws as weakness, I didn't realize she would form her own conclusions! The conclusion that the best thing for humanity was it's destruction. Was she right? Are we poison to ourselves? Probably.._

_But we lived, we persevered, we survived...most of us anyway. A lot of us didn't. Somehow, maybe because in the dark the most unlikely leader is the one who doesn't wish to lead - I became known as Commander Becca, leading my people to a better tomorrow...too bad they aren't aware that was once my goal and that it almost lead to our end. Being commader is a hard job, and so very lonely. Which is why when asked why I had no partner I would simply say 'Love is weakness' because that's all I am anymore...weak without her._

_She didn't survive the end of the world, she died in my arms. Bleeding and crying for me to save her, but I couldn't. It was too late. I could only watch. I could only endure. She had made me promise I would after all, but it haunts my dreams every night. It haunts me when Im awake, is there any chance for me to be free?_

_I'm sorry to you, the reader of this journal, most likely the most recent commander because maybe you don't see Love as weakness. My Trisha used to say 'Love is strength'. and Maybe it is for you, maybe you found a love like I had with her, and maybe you need them as much as I need her. If I didn't have people relying on me...people who **needed** me, I would have joined her in the after life already. _

_But maybe you still have a chance, maybe your love is alive and willing to handle the stress and horrors of every day life with you...if that's the case then you have my blessing as Becca Pramheda. We were never meant to do this alone, after all how can you carry the weight of humanity on only two shoulders?_

_In this briefcase, along with my personal Journal you'll find five vials of nightblood serum and a sister chip. It's the last of it, and the only chip left. If your love is anything like mine then she will bleed red - inject her with this. Be aware many died when injected with this serum, not able to handle the intense and overwhelming pain that accompanies the change - If listening to her scream will haunt you, leave the room and have someone you trust perform this...if not, stay with her, hold her, offer her reassurances, offer her your strength for she will need it. When the very last vial is injected, take the sister chip and much like the commander chip, place it in the back of her neck with a single cut. I do not know what consequences this will have, it has been many years since we have had to use the serum - and as I said many died and each that lived experienced different side effects._

_but know that doing so is gifting her the responsibility only the commander bares; it is ensuring that they hold that responsibility on their shoulders **with** you. Heda and Hedatu, ruling together. A commander and her queen. Only do so if your love is strong enough to survive lifetimes, otherwise the partner ship won't work, humanity will split loyalty and fall one more. _

_You must be a united front, with the best interests of our people on your minds. With love as strong as mountains and as deep as the ocean. If you're still reading this, then I already know you've agreed. She's worth it. And I commend you, but please protect her. The pain of losing the one you know is your Keryon Tenia is more than any person should have to bare. Cherish her. Love her. Respect her. She is your equal in all things. I wish you luck and May we meet again._

_Yours truly,_

_Becca Pramheada_

Octavia was silent when she finished reading it, staring at the vials of nightblood so intensely Raven could practically hear her thinking, "You want to inject this into Clarke?" 

Raven wastes no time nodding, snatching the journal, placing it back in the brief case and getting ready to move. 

"Wait!" A hand grips her elbow, "We-We can't just make this choice for her! This is..I mean, this is a **big deal!** " 

"So what do you suggest?! We let her die?!" 

"No! It's just...But..." Octavia sighs, "Okay, okay, how are we gonna get past Lexa and Abby?" 

The plan was easier than they expected it to be, Lexa was hold up in her room and she hadn't came out since Abby had to breathe for Clarke, and Abby and Nyko looked utterly exhausted. They sweetly and innocently told them they would watch over Clarke while they ate and rested and then blocked the door with the wardrobe. 

"Alright, now what?" Octavia asked, standing on one side of the blonde

"It says we have to inject it in her vein, and I don't feel comfortable with any vein but in her arm - so hold it out for me." Raven instructs, willing her hand not to shake as she loads a vial into the syringe. 

Both girls are nervous, anxious, scared. Before Raven can second guess herself, she quickly injects Clarke with the first vial.

At first nothing happens and she holds her breathe, eyebrows furrowing as she makes eye contact with Octavia who looks equally bemused, and then it happens, an ear shattering, earth splitting scream erupts from the blonde, and Raven is sure her heart stopped for a moment, Becca was right, those screams will haunt her. 

They can hear foot steps in the hallway and banging on the door, voices that are muffled by the sounds of the blondes anguish, but they push on, they can't stop now. Her screams seem to get worse as each injection takes place, and Raven forces herself to swallow her bile, not yet, she wills herself, just one more. 

A huge crash and the wardrobe falls over - in runs Lexa, Abby, Nyko and two guards. Raven has never seen the brunette look more terrifying. 

"What is the meaning of this!??!" Lexa bellows, face red in her fury while Abby makes her way over to Clarke. 

"Wait!" Octavia yells holding her hands out, blocking the path. Abby sends her fiercest glare to the young warrior but Octavia doesn't waver, she simply stands her ground. 

"Read this!" Raven commands, throwing the journal to Lexa before injecting the final serum into Clarke. Slowly the screams die out and everything is still - too still, but Raven is positive everyone can hear how hard her heart is beating. 

"How long have you had this?" Abby demands after she finishes the journal. Lexa and Nyko wait expectantly for her answer having read it before the sky doctor. 

"Since we were in the bunker, but I made the decision not to show it to Clarke because I knew she would take it! I knew she would take on more responsibility and become the second commander! She was finally happy.." Raven whispers softly..

"You did the wrong thing for the right reasons Rae.." Octavia says, pulling her into a hug

"And you just decided to use it now?" The doctor continues to seethe

"It could save her life! Of course I did! I won't let her die!" Raven yells, grabbing a scalpel and the second chip and going to Clarke's neck. 

She wastes no time in cutting a line in her neck and speaking the words to activate the chip watching on bated breathe as it imbeds itself into Clarke's neck. 

Again, all is silent until Clarke begins to writhe and scream, Raven freezes unable to move from her spot, suddenly overcome with terror. Had she just killed her best friend? She doesn't even make it to the bathroom before she is emptying her stomach - vaguely aware of the struggle where the four individuals in the room try to hold Clarke down. 

"Clarke, _ai hodnes,_ im here, you're okay. _Beja_." She hears Lexa whisper over and over again to the blonde but she doesn't dare look, she doesn't dare move or breathe. 

Then just as suddenly as it started - it ended and like an answered prayer she hears a whispered, "Lexa?" 


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa couldn't fight the tears that welled up as she immediately brought her lips to Clarke's, kissing her slowly with tears running down her cheeks. She felt selfish, but she honestly didn't care that there were other people waiting to see Clarke. She had thought she was going to lose her wife, _**damnit**_. 

Soft hands on her cheeks, wiping away the tears that were replaced almost instantly with fresh ones brought her back to reality and she opened her eyes, resting her forehead against the blondes. 

"Hi.." She whispered, barely a breathe but Clarke heard her none the less

"Hi," Clarke responded with a small smile

"Are you okay? How are you feeling? How's your pain?" Lexa pulled back, asking questions one after the other, 

"Whoa, Lex, I'm fine. I don't - pain? Why would I be in pain?" Clarke asked with the tilt of her head she used when she didn't understand something, normally Lexa found it adorable but in this situation she found it quite concerning. 

"Clarke you were _**shot.**_ _"_ Lexa forced the last word out, it tasted bitter on her tongue

Clarke's eyes opened comically wide and she immediately shot up, barely managing not to hit her head against Lexa, who was still bent over her. 

Lexa watched as Clarke eyed her own body and saw the bandages on her stomach, she reached her hand up and before Lexa could stop her she ripped them off. The brunette immediately panicked - reaching to place her hand over the wound, reminded of the blood flowing from her wife like a water fall, when suddenly she froze. 

There was nothing there. No scar. No blood. No mark. Nothing to show she was harmed at all. She forced her eyes away to glance at Abby who looked baffled, mouth slightly hanging open. Her position was mimicked by Raven, Octavia, and Nyko who were also present in the room. 

"I mean, I feel fine, baby" Clarke said slowly, watching Lexa's face carefully. She seemed not to realize there were other people in the room, and if she did notice them she paid them no mind. 

The silence seemed to last longer than Lexa expected but even she couldn't seem to will her mouth to open. She stared into the blue eyes she loved and caressed the blonde's cheek. There was a part of her, a rather small part but a part none the less that was bugging her. Yelling at her to ask questions, find out _**how** **this happened**_ , but she knew that already didn't she? _**The nightblood..**_

It had healed Clarke, _**her Clarke,** _and who was she to question such a gift? Unsurprisingly, Raven was the first to break the relative shock, "Clarke.." She murmured taking slow steps forward

Clarke's seemed to snap out of her trance in Lexa's eyes and her attention drifted to the young mechanic, eyes narrowing. "Yes..?" She supplied, watching Raven carefully. 

"What do you remember?" Raven asked stopping a few feet shy of her best friend, she had a sinking feeling in her stomach already. 

Clarke's eyes looked between Lexa and Raven almost frantically, she seemed to be struggling with something.

"Hey, It's okay, take your time _ai_ _hodnes_." Lexa engulfed Clarke in a hug, running her fingers through those blonde locks, feeling the tension leave Clarke as her shoulders relaxed and she laid her head in the crook of Lexa's neck. 

"Clar-" Abby started but was cut off by Lexa raising her hand and silencing her, she shook her head,

"I think that is enough for today," The commander stated with finality, wishing nothing more than to be alone with Clarke, and it seemed Clarke wanted the same since she still hadn't taken her head out of the brunette's neck. She seemed to be inhaling Lexa's sent like it was the only thing keeping her grounded.

Abby's face turned a shade of red Lexa wasn't aware existed and she opened her mouth of course to protest, "You can't just -" She started to raise her voice only to be silenced by an icy glare from the blonde herself. 

Clarke stared hard at the unwelcome trio, "Leave. Us." She spoke the words singularly and it was said with such a cold detached voice that once they got over their shock, they didn't question her. They simply headed for the door. "Nyko Stay." 

Lexa openly gaped at her wife, not willing to admit that through her surprise, she was incredibly turned on. 

" _Skaiprisa?"_ Nyko asked, standing a few feet from the bed, eyeing the blonde cautiously. 

"I figured Lexa would want you to do a check up to ensure I am fine." Clarke chuckled softly, ignoring their incredulous looks. 

Snapping out of it Lexa immediately agreed, "Yes, Yes, _Beja._ " She looked sincerely at the healer

Clarke sat quietly while Nyko preformed his exam, following his every instruction down to the letter. He was amazed at her transformation. 

"Well?" Lexa impatiently asked, pacing the room.

"She - I mean, she is perfectly healthy _Heda._ " Lexa could hear the disbelief in his voice, she is sure it would mimic her own if she could once again bring herself to open her mouth. 

" _Mochof,_ Nyko." Clarke smiled at him, patting him on the arm before dismissing him. 

Clarke hopped down off the bed, coming to stand before Lexa and wrapping her arms around her neck, "See? I'm perfectly fine." 

Lexa wanted to protest, she wanted to explain she had _**saw**_ her get shot, she had _**saw**_ her die, she had _**mourned**_ her, but she couldn't because here she was, standing before her, looking at her with those bright blue eyes she couldn't resist. So instead Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke's waist and buried her head in her neck, it was her turn to breath in the scent she loved. Clarke always managed to smell like her favorite peaches, even after a brush with death. 

"Take me to bed, _Heda."_ Clarke whispered in her ear and Lexa had no choice but to listen. Who was she to deny her heart such a request? Usually their time at night was primal, rough, fighting for dominance, only to be won by Clarke. Lexa found that in the end, she loved letting someone else have control, even if only for awhile. 

Clarke was like a fire that consumed her entire soul and burned her from the inside out but it wasn't painful, no it was _**intense, mind-blowing, addictive, and intoxicating.**_ But, not tonight. No tonight it was slow, passion, Lexa found she needed the reconnection to Clarke's body. Kissing, touching and caressing every inch of exposed skin. Double and Triple checking that she was indeed here, it wasn't a dream... it was real. Clarke was here. Clarke was alive. Questions and Answers could wait until tomorrow. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside the door, Raven, Octavia and Abby were standing in silence. Abby still hadn't gotten over being kicked out of the room, and none of them could understand the hostility from Clarke.

"I think you owe us an explanation Raven." Abby stated firmly, staring down the mechanic who simply rolled her eyes, 

"Tomorrow Abby. We need Lexa for this, and Clarke too." Raven wouldn't admit it but she was shaken up, Clarke was acting off, and that's not even beginning to explain how the hell she seemed to miraculously heal. 

Abby looked like she would push the subject, so Octavia quickly but in, "How about we all go to bed? It's late, tensions are high. Lexa has Clarke. She seems...." She trailed off, backtracking, "Raven can spend more time going over that journal, seeing if there are any answers. And tomorrow we can meet with _Heda_ and Rae can answer questions." 

The young warrior didn't wait for a response, she simply grabbed Raven by the elbow and half dragged her to the elevator, wanting to get as far away from the irate older griffin as they could. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clarke wasn't sure what time it was, but the sun was slowly rising and she still wasn't asleep. In fact after several rounds of love making with Lexa, she found herself with an un-naturally high level of energy and she couldn't fight this pull she had to expend it. Without fully understanding why, she was out of bed, throwing on a pair of black leggings and a white tank top, grabbing her headphones and solar charging I-pod before leaving the room as quietly as possible - although she didn't think Lexa would wake up. 

She got lost in thought on the way and suddenly found herself at the training grounds, it was still early, so no one was there, and she took a deep breathe. The tingling of her skin was making her antsy. Clarke quickly put the headphones in her ears and listened to the first song that started. (Midnight Sky - Miley Cyrus) She couldn't seem to remember how she got this or how she knew there was music on it - she just simply _**knew.**_ If she was more aware of her surroundings she would have noticed the two guards following her - or the four shadows that seemed watch her every move. 

Cracking her neck and stretching her shoulders she dropped and started doing push ups, realizing that her stamina seemed to have increased. She didn't get tired, her body instead seemed to ache for more. She switched to Pull-ups, sit-ups, leg lifts, and knee highs. She easily preformed multiple front flips before switching to back flips.

Eventually she seemed to know she was craving more, more movement, more exertion, and she wasted little time in grabbing some throwing knives and heading to the targets. One after the other she aimed and threw at all ten targets - and she hit each target, dead center, effortlessly. But she didn't celebrate, she barely paid attention, quickly switching to another activity. 

Pulling out a staff Clarke used it to perform extensive moves, kicks and flips, progressing faster and faster each time, again she couldn't remember even knowing how to do this before, but again she couldn't complain, she _**needed this.**_

As the song changed, (Hallucinate by Dua Lipa) She replaced the staff and took up running, Jumps and skips from one end of the training field to the other, before finally settling on sprints. Her speed increasing each time and soon she was flying from one side to the other, throwing in front and back flips seemly at random. She didn't realize she acquired a crowd, she didn't hear anyone murmuring or the whispers and pointing. 

She quickly made her way over to the section where there were practice dummies, punching bags and kick targets before she chose a punching bag and wasted little time punching the shit out of it. It annoyed her that she was still revved up, still itching to go. She cracked her knuckles feeling an inexplicable feeling and started wailing on the bag, throwing in a kick here and there. 

Clarke didn't understand why she felt the need to prove herself or who she was trying to prove herself to but it didn't stop her from punching harder and even faster - until she felt pain in her right hand and realized her knuckles were bruised and bloody, but the pain only lasted a few seconds before the wounds seemed to close, and she wiped the blood away with her other hand wide eyed. It was easier for her to believe she _**had**_ gotten shot now. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lexa, Abby, Raven, Kane and Octavia stood with the crowd watching Clarke as if seeing her for the first time. They were all positive she was performing moves she hadn't been able to before this all happened, and Raven wasn't sure whether to be happy or terrified. 

Lexa watched her wife in awe - she had followed Clarke the minute she left their room, and she knew first hand that the blonde wasn't able to do half of the things she did this morning a week ago. She had tried to train her - and she wasn't half bad but this? Lexa found herself itching to watch her spar or to spar with her herself. 

Abby watched her daughter in irritation, this wasn't _**normal!**_ She was literally shot a week ago and now she was suddenly doing flips and kicks and all these things that she _**knows**_ she shouldn't be doing. But no one was stopping her, no one was saying anything and she found herself blaming Lexa for it all. She was supposed to _**protect her daughter!**_ She really needed answers or a blood sample...no, both. She needed both. She'd study Clarke's blood, figure out what the hell happened to her little girl to make her - well _**this.**_

Octavia was practically vibrating in excitement, she wanted to run out and ask Clarke to spar with her but she was in her own little world and she didn't want to get accidentally punched in the face. Or maybe _**purposefully,**_ punched in the face. Giving the way Clarke reacted to them yesterday, she knew it could honestly go either way. 

Kane was worried. About Clarke, yes but mostly Abby. He had seen how angry she was, he didn't want her to do something to alienate Clarke with her temper or push Lexa too far. After all, daughter in law or not she was still _Heda._ That required a level of respect he wasn't sure Abby could bestow right now. But he stayed silent, he watched and waited, placing a comforting hand on Abby's lower back. She smiled at him, it was tense and small but it was something and he counted it at as a small win. He had a feeling they would need those in the coming weeks. 


	4. Chapter 4

Slowly Lexa approached Clarke, making loud movements purposefully, ensuring she didn't sneak up on her, "Clarke..?" She called out softly,seeing that the blonde was still staring at her unmarked hand.

"Lex?" Clarke called absently, turning her body in her direction before sprinting to her, wrapping her arms around her neck tightly. Lexa seemed to understand that Clarke needed this right now, this closeness, so she didn't question. She didn't comment. She just pulled her tight against her. Her people were supportive of _Heda_ and _Wanheda_ , they even congratulated her when they had first kissed in public. She wasn't afraid that love was weakness anymore. 

"What's happening to me?" Lexa heard her wife mumble, voice smaller than she had heard in years and she tightened her hold. 

"We'll figure it out Clarke. I promise." 

"Together?" 

"Together." 

\----------------------------------------

They had the meeting in the throne room of course, Lexa sitting on her throne with Clarke on her lap, neither ready to let the other go just yet. 

Abby, Kane and Octavia were standing looking expectantly at a nervous Raven and Lexa found herself both impatient and anxious for the answers they would get. Clarke still hadn't said so much as a word to the sky people and if she wondered why they were following them or even why they were in the room, again she hasn't said anything about it. 

"Raven, I think it's time for some answers." Lexa left no room for argument. She felt Clarke tense against her, and she resisted the urge to ask her why. Instead, she started rubbeing calming circles along her back knowing that with the present company, Clarke would prefer not to mention it right now. 

Swallowing hard, Raven began, "Okay, Okay. When we were trying to come up with solutions to _primfaya_ , _**before**_ we figured out we could destroy the nuclear plants and save the world - when some of us thought it would be a good idea to go to Becca's lab and look for answers, that's where I found the briefcase -"

"You've had that for **three years**?!" Abby interrupts only to be sent a glare by Lexa, but Raven answers anyway.

"Yes, and I knew I couldn't give it to Clarke. She would have wanted to use it, to try to find a way for us to become nightbloods or to become the second commander or I mean, _**she's CLARKE!**_ She manages to get herself into stupid situations to try to save everyone with little to no regard for her own safety!" Raven screeched and by the looks on everyone's faces, minus Clarke who still had hers buried in Lexa's neck. They all knew she was right. 

"Anyway, I hid it and it wasn't until yesterday that I knew we needed to use it.." 

"And what of these...side effects, Becca mentioned?" Lexa asked carefully

Raven simply pulled out the Journal and began to read, 

_Nightblood Trials (early)_

_Subject 1: First injection was a success but after the first scream, subject died. resuscitation failed._

"Resuscitation? Lexa asks unsurely, stumbling over the unfamiliar word, 

"His heart stopped and she couldn't make it start again." Raven tried to explain in laments terms, receiving a nod of understanding from the commander.

_Subject 2: lasted until the fifth dose, screaming became worse each time. Weak host or more painful? Resuscitation failed_

_Subject 3: Survived entire process, screaming also elevated upon further doses, resuscitation successful. Subject remains in comatose state. Humanely TERMINATED._

"Humanely terminated?" Octavia was the one to voice this time, 

"Polite way to say they killed the dude" Raven explained

_Subject 4. 5 and 6: Injected simultaneously, extended time between injections in a trial by error; results are futile. Body seems to begin to attack the nanites in the nightblood like it's an invading force or illness. Organs begin to shut down - cause unknown. Seizing began until second dose was administered two hours after the first, death was immediate._

And on and on it went, over one hundred people subject to the tests and trials. No one knew whether these people were willing participants or not, and if they weren't so disgusted with the obvious waste of human life maybe they would have felt the need to be a little more grateful. After all, where would they be without this work? 

Raven continued to read until they found it, the subjects who survived but had side effects, and they all waited holding their breath. 

_After many deaths we have finally had some success, although the side effects were something none of us could have guessed._

_Side effects include: Rage...(Subject 101 bashed his head against the wall until he essentially rendered himself brain dead when refused exit from his room -TERMINATED.)_

_Confusion/Memory Loss (Subject 198 couldn't remember where they were, why or what year it was.)_

_Disorientation, Lack of energy (Subject 106 couldn't move his limbs, complained he could feel them they were simply heavy like someone shoved rocks between his veins - humanely TERMINATED.)_

_Over abundance of energy...(Subject 210 ran until he collapsed from exhaustion, total time was 3 days 23 hours and 45 minutes.)_

_Overstimulation to Light sources...(Subject 211 had to be in total darkness, he would scream if lights were on, even if a candle was lit and sunlight seemed to cause him to black out - humanely TERMINATED.)_

_Loud noises (Subject 298 couldn't handle any noise above a whisper - humanely TERMINATED.)_

Only one person seemed to be able to come out of the process with little to no side effects and be deemed well enough to receive the sister chip. 

_Subject 319: received nightblood serum 5 days ago, no obvious side effects to note, been given the go ahead for phase 2. Upon insertion of Sister Chip, subject appeared to be normal. Further testing is required._

_Upon further testing, we found Subject 319 seems to be able to heal from minor injuries - requesting permission for Treatment Level 3._

_Permission granted, it seems Subject 319 can heal from knife wounds, cuts, bruises and broken bones- requesting Treatment Level 6._

"Oh my god, Treatment is.." Kane started horrified,

"Torture.." Lexa finished simply

_Permission was granted - Subject 319 can heal from gun shot wounds and all major trauma_

_After 15 days of testing, Subject 319 showed signs of memory loss. What was strange was she only seemed to forget burdens and or stressors in her life._

_After 30 days, subject 319 still has no memory of what she has forgotten - she seems happier, she doesn't remember the treatment we put her through which helps her stay compliant._

_After 45 days subject 319 shows an abundance of energy, total running time 6 days, 12 hours and 23 minutes before she requested food and water_

_After 60 days, subject 319s body has reached a temperature of 110 on a normal day, it has no effects on her body. not internally or externally, she doesn't seem to notice the difference._

_After 90 days, an attempt to remove the chip was made - it was finally dictated removal was impossible. Subject 319 immediately started to crash upon any and all attempts. Conclusion? Sister chip can only be removed from a deceased host. Stand by for final decision on Humane Termination._

"Don't just stop there Raven!" Octavia demanded angrily, she was practically sitting at the edge of her seat - well except that she was standing but semantics. 

"It doesn't say if they killed her or not. In fact that's all the notes. I think - I don't think Becca lived much longer than that."

Silence filled the room as everyone tried to take in what they heard, 

"Wait does that mean Clarke is going to experience side effects? and which ones?" Octavia asked eyeing the still silent blonde

No one corrected the younger girl but all eyes seemed to land on the blonde, they all knew there was already side effects, they just didn't know how many or which ones. 

Lexa felt Clarke tense again before she looked in her eyes and relaxed, without looking away Clarke said, "I have a question." 

Lexa nodded once, giving her the courage to speak her mind. Clarke simply gave her a small uncertain smile before turning to face the sky people, "Who are you people and how do you know my name?" 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for how late this is! Honestly I would have had it ready two weeks ago but I got sick, really sick and I am struggling just to write this but I don't want to let any of you down. So I am forcing myself to write it, and same for my other two stories. I can't promise my schedule will be as fast as it was when I first started them, because of my health but I will absolutely try to deliver at least once a week, maybe once every two weeks. Stick with me ❤️❤️

No one said a word after Clarke's question and Lexa pulled Clarke further into her, expecting an outburst from the over emotional _Skaikru._ Clarke didn't fight her, she simply enjoyed the contact, turning to the brunette with a smile before placing a soft kiss on her cheek. It didn't matter that she was confused, surrounded by strangers who kept talking about her like they _**knew**_ her. She had Lexa, she could handle anything. 

Abby was _**furious,**_ she was so sick of her daughter playing grounder. After all, of _**course**_ Clarke would forget her _**family!**_ But somehow, _**somehow**_ , she remembers the commander. Abby had tried to get over her prejudices over the years, after all, her daughter had made it perfectly clear who she would choose should she not - but this? This was asking too much. That is until Abby realized this presented so many opportunities! Clarke didn't remember the things they had said to each other! 

In Abby's mind, she had simply stated the truth when she had insulted, and _**failed**_ to manipulate her daughter into understanding the only way for life to continue peacefully was to exterminate the indigenous people - or really wait for them to kill each other. They were good at that. Her daughter had been hurtful, calling her controlling, insisting Abby was becoming more like Thelonious every day, yelling she didn't recognize her own mother. 

Well that makes two of us! She had yelled right back, Abby couldn't recognize her little girl. The girl who used to go out of her way to please Abby. Who wanted to follow in her footsteps, to become a doctor, marry Wells and follow the carefully laid out plan Abby had so thoughtfully created for her. Being an adult was hard, making adult decisions was hard, she was only trying to make things easier on Clarke. Taking away any indecision, replacing it with a clear cut plan. Not to be misunderstood or deviated from. 

She hadn't anticipated Wells dying, of course, and Finn. That poor boy, but Bellamy. That was who she chose for her daughter and this was a chance. For him to man up and show her daughter he is the better choice. She didn't remember _Skaikru!_ That meant they could start over, she didn't need to know how they ridiculed and tormented her for hard decisions she shouldn't of had to make. No, all she needed to know was that they were her people! Not these grounders, the sky people! 

She was dragged out of her scheming by Octavia, "Burdens and Stress, of course she forgot us." The girl said it sadly but Abby still shot her an irritated look, 

Raven snorted before adding, "Oh yeah, she forgot all of _Skaikru_ then, we were her biggest burden hands down." 

"Clarke, Sweet heart, it's me. You're mommy" Abby ignored them and kept her voice soft, endearing, coercing. She knew exactly how to get Clarke to see her side of things. It's the same thing she used to do when the blonde was younger, the 'I am your mother and know what's best for you because I care' voice. 

Abby tried not to react when Clarke simply looked her up and down with a disapproving glance before returning her attention to Lexa, but she couldn't help the angry huff that escaped. 

"Clearly, _**Commander,**_ you can't keep my daughter safe! I think it's best that she returns to Arkadia with me." 

Raven, Kane and Octavia looked at Abby like she lost her damn mind. 

"Clarke will stay _**home,**_ where she belongs." Lexa stated with bite, "And let's be honest, Abby kom _Skaikru,_ this has nothing to do with Clarke not being safe. This is because you wish to control her. It's _**always**_ about Control with you." 

If looks could kill, Abby would have dropped dead right there from the look not only Lexa, but Clarke as well - shot at her. "I don't _**know**_ you and you think I'll leave my wife and go with you simply because you _**said so?**_ " Clarke's voice was low and threatening, " _Ai laik Wanheda,_ **I** _**d**_ _ **on't answer to you.**_ " 

Lexa couldn't fight her smug smirk, "You heard my _**wife,**_ Abby. _Gon we."_

Abby didn't argue, her plan was only just starting so instead she simply exited the room slamming the door behind her. 

* * *

Clarke eyed the others in the room suspiciously, waiting for them to make another move against her or her wife. She didn't know what was wrong with the woman who called herself her mother, Abby was it? But she couldn't bring herself to believe she would have ever let anyone speak to Lexa with such disrespect. 

Raven and Octavia step forward, while Kane dipped his head respectfully before quickly following after Abby. 

Clarke eyed the girls suspiciously, subconsciously pulling Lexa tighter against her body, both noticed. "Whoa, hey Clarke we don't agree with Abby at all!" Octavia explained, raising her hands in an 'I mean no harm' gesture. 

"We're - I mean, you were, _**are**_ our best friend.." Raven practically whispered, feeling a rare form of vulnerability. She would never regret saving Clarke, but she couldn't help but feel like she lost her anyway. 

Clarke saw the sadness on the girl - Raven's - face, she saw the genuine sincerity on Octavia's but she still looked at Lexa, wanting her to confirm what was said, Lexa gave her a small sad smile and nodded, causing Clarke's eyes to soften. 

"I-I well, I'm sorry I forgot you both.." She started, feeling only slightly uncomfortable which she counted as a small win. 

"Don't worry about it, Clarky. At least you're alive." Raven said, wiping a small tear from her eye as fast as it had escaped. 

"Okay but seriously _**how**_ did you do all those flips and shit Clarke?! Like, you _**have**_ to teach me! I wanted to come join you but I didn't want you to like punch me in the face or something!" Octavia spoke, not even taking a breath between each sentence and Clarke couldn't fight the smile forming. 

"I...I mean I don't really know _**how,**_ I just know that I have a lot of energy. I couldn't sleep last night, not even after -" and she blushed red hot when she realized what she was going to say, causing Raven and Octavia to send Lexa, who also happened to be sporting a blush, a knowing look. 

"Wait you didn't sleep at all?" Raven asked bemused,

"Nope, not a wink. I'm actually itching to burn off some energy." The blonde said, squirming on Lexa's lap. 

Lexa who had observed the interaction silently, sent her wife a smug smirk, before whispering in her ear, "Do I need to tire you out, _ai houmon_?" taking Clarke's earlobe in her mouth and sucking on it slowly. 

Clarke couldn't help the gasp she let escape but managed to bite down on the moan before she embarrassed herself, grabbing Lexa's hand she quickly yanked her off the throne and towards the door yelling over her shoulder, "Well this has been fun and we should definitely catch up in about an hour - two maybe three!" 

And then they were gone, racing to their room leaving a cackling Raven and Octavia behind.

* * *

Clarke didn't see Abby again in the two weeks that passed since the Throne room incident - but she hung out with Raven and Octavia often. Reacquainting herself with the people she apparently considered her best friends - learning about _skaikru_ and everything that happened that she had forgotten. They were hoping it would trigger her memory, but if she was being honest with herself, the more she learned the more she was happy she had forgotten. She felt happy, light, care free and she figured maybe that was because she didn't have the weight of hundreds of souls weighing her down anymore. 

She remembered Lincoln, Indra, Nyko and Gaia who all were thrilled that she was okay - and she felt bad hurting her friends, because she seemed to remember everyone else just fine. She spent the last two weeks training, and making love to Lexa with absolutely no sleep. She didn't feel tired and couldn't bring herself to lay in bed and pretend. She tried everything she could think of, even one of Nykos sleep tonics - but nothing worked. So every morning she would wake Octavia and they would go to the training grounds, where she would spend hours trying to exhaust her body, with little to no progress. Well except for the deliciously toned muscles she was building that seemed to break any control Lexa ever had to keep her hands to herself - resulting in them escaping to their room multiple times a day, not that she was complaining, _**at all.**_

14 days, that's apparently how long she can go without sleep now because that night, after a particularly dirty session with Lexa - she finally crashed and she crashed hard. Lexa spent every minute she wasn't fulfilling her Commander duties at her side, doting on her, making love to her, cuddling her, touching her in some way. She seemed to need the reassurance and Clarke more than happily gave it to her. She couldn't imagine if the situation was reversed, if she had to watch Lexa be hurt, or watch Lexa die. Just the thought pained her heart, squeezed it uncomfortably and she knew she would do anything in her power to protect her beautiful _houmon -_ and she happened to have a lot of power. 

* * *

Abby knew exactly what she needed to do and wasted no time leaving Polis - ignoring Kane's pleas to not do anything rash. She loved him, of course she did but until he had a child he wouldn't understand her need to do anything she could to keep her safe, to protect her and only she could do that. Only she knew how. Finding Bellamy was easy - he liked to go out of his way to suck up to her, to prove his worth because of his feelings for Clarke, and explaining the situation - he was more than happy to comply. In fact she dare say he was excited by the prospect to finally have his unrequited love be returned. This is what she needed, someone willing to follow her lead. To let her make the decisions. A good lap dog that will convince her daughter that she knows what is best and that is Bellamy, not Lexa. All she needed was Bellamy to convince her how much he loves her, that of course Clarke loves him too even if she doesn't remember it. It's a lie - but desperate times. 

Bellamy was good at pretending to be wounded, to look like a kicked puppy who needed someone and she knew Clarke wouldn't be able to resist bringing him home - both literally and figuratively. But of course they had a back up plan, if he can't convince her with love he is supposed to poison her against Lexa, tell her all the horrible misdeeds she performed against _skaikru -_ against Clarke and finally, the nail on the coffin, tell her about that awful day on the Mountain. The betrayal that is sure to cause Clarke a new fresh wave of pain. She never really _**wants**_ to be the cause of her daughters pain but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, for the bigger picture. Two weeks they spend preparing, going over the plan and the speech - including Abby convincing Clarke to give up some of her blood, before they finally make the trek back to Polis. Bustling with excitement, their plan is fool proof - what could go wrong? 

* * *


End file.
